I am admittedly the baby of my family and the only girl as well as the baby of my first tier inner circle (more about what that means in another blog). Although I have lived on my own since I was 21 and worked since I was 18 there still seems at 38 years old to be this desire among my friend group to “protect” me in many ways. My friends are protective of me in the sweetest ways but at the same time will give me the business and keep it 100 with me even if its going to hurt my feelings. The point where protecting me and being honest meet isn’t hard to spot. Ultimately my friends agree that keeping valuable growth information from me isn’t the best way to protect me.
As I began the journey to being more openly vulnerable it really came out of a deep depression, anxiety and the fear that without intervention I would soon take my own life. I was at the end of my rope and the top of the rope was tied around my neck. I could not see a way out other than through. Through the emotional challenges that were keeping me up at night, through admitting that as I continued in poor romantic relationships I was becoming more and more like my emotionally abusive step-father and justifying my behavior. Through the pain of not having the love and support of my biological father. Through the belief that I was and would never be good enough for my very loving and supportive although demanding mother. I had to make my way through all the lies I’d told myself over the years about why I could not be as successful as I wanted to be. It was time to take full responsibility for where I was and who I was and to do it with as little blame and judgement as possible. I was doing my best, but my best alone was killing me and I needed help. I was either going to get free or die lying.
Blame, judgement and vulnerability seem not to have a lot in common with one another. Of course blame and judgement seem to kick it in the same room but how does vulnerability fit in? It’s the NOT being vulnerable, seeing vulnerability as a weakness and judging it as something to be avoided that put all these words in the same room battling for position. For me it was important to seek out just how being vulnerable would bless and shift my life. I began years ago listening to the Ted Talks with Brené Brown. Her talks about just how powerful we become when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to put a spot light on the areas inside that need healing, in short, saved my life.
As I journeyed through the muck of lies built upon lies and agreements made with mediocrity, a true version of myself began to emerge. Early last year I made the decision to take my journey with vulnerability a step further. This decision was made after a meditation where the term “Healing in community.” entered my heart. The idea being that by choosing to be vulnerable we are also trusting that our community has resources, gifts, and insights that can help us heal faster and with more wholeness as a bonus. It means trading some level of anonymity for vulnerability and trusting that we will in fact be just fine and that no one can really destroy us even if it feels like it. It does NOT mean emotionally dumping on everyone or vomiting our deepest darkest secrets all over the internet or in person.
Healing in community is a thoughtful introspective process allowing us to self correct, pay attention to and lovingly interpret the information the Universe is providing. It’s about developing a clear understanding that we know JACK SHIT about what we really might need to heal or see things correctly. We get to trust that we know nothing about how any situation or person is going to bless us. Instead we walk through each day with a wide eyed optimism trusting that even if we don’t get it, even when it feels like people are trying to destroy us that we are in fact blessed. Its the practice of doing whatever, however, whenever to be open to healing and judging ourselves as little as possible for the perceived failures we experience along the way. It’s about seeking out the help we require to feel more whole and recover from the deep emotional scars of our past or present.
Some of my friends expressed concerns for my safety while on this journey. None wanted to keep me from saying or doing any of the things I was doing, their concern was that they felt protective of me. They wondered if I was allowing people to know me too deeply. What was so funny to me about that is, I sensor a great deal of what I say for energy content but to people who are not nearly as vulnerable as I am, it seems like overkill. Listening to their concerns offers an opportunity for them to be more vulnerable since that is in fact the topic of discussion. Many people feel a deep love and trust in me just after meeting me for a short while and this can be unsettling for them if it’s never happened before. I believe they feel this due to how much the desire to be vulnerable inside of them seeks to connect with mine, even if they still see vulnerability as a weakness. There is still the loving part of them that wants to join with the loving part of me. During these “You are sharing too much…” sessions with my friends or partners they get to say out loud how much their fears are coming through when I open up about things that they worry will overexpose me. At the end of the day I have not chosen this path without great consideration and meditation. I am in a constant state of self corrective processes, growing and living based on information provided by the Universe through others as well.
Should you decide to begin the same journey I am on, you should know a few things. First not everyone will get it. In fact people might think you are just doing the most and need to have several seats lol. However, there will be a larger number of people, often secretly at first who will marvel at and admire your willingness to find the strength in vulnerability. It’s there for everyone but not everyone will want to risk all that will be required to be this free. You’ll risk being right all the time, you’ll risk keeping how deeply you love others to yourself. You’ll get to give up the idea that you are alone and have special problems that only special solutions will resolve. You’ll get to cry over how tightly you tried to hold on to your smallness and burst at the seams with how much you desire to share love with others even those you do not personally know well.
In short, you get to give up all the bullshit you thought made you who you were. You GET TO get free and yes some of the journey will hurt, there’s no denying that. But it does NOT have to hurt as much as you think it will. And it is more about allowing, willingness and understanding that YOUR understanding, your knowing is NOT necessary to heal, your understanding of the process, results and freedom that will flow is not necessary at all. You don’t even have to believe that healing in community and strength through vulnerability is a real thing. BUT if you will begin the journey, try it out, you will see the results. You’ll see and feel how uncomfortable you are with staying where you were. Then, you won’t have to believe it….you’ll know it! Suggested readings for this journey….The Way of Mastery, A Course of Love and A Course In Miracles. Check out Earl Purdy on Youtube and http://www.EarlPurdy.com to get access to free video lessons of those healing in community while studying these teachings. Wishing you the best on your journey. Feel free to comment here and share your insights. We’re in this together!