Closure……every time one of my friends or I go through a break up it’s the main thing we are looking for when all the dust settles. I effing hate closure! There I said it. Ok wait, I don’t really HATE closure but I hate the generally accepted idea that without it (especially because it’s mostly dependent on another human) I won’t be able to peacefully move on. I, like many of us have been taught time and again how important it is to have closure and to close the book on painful emotions and or experiences.
That is all well and good until you cross horns with someone who is unwilling or emotionally not stable enough or the person may be dead and therefore unable to provide the much needed and often elusive closure we seek. The worst of them is what happens when the other person is willing to provide us closure and we are unable to accept it leaving ourselves in a sort of emotional purgatory.
So what other options do we have? It sounds like getting closure is a waste of time and energy if the conditions are not JUST right for us to obtain it. Well all hope is not lost, at least that’s what I have discovered over the last couple days.
It started when one of my friends reached out to me this week about how painful it was to be going through her most recent break up and how much she missed her ex. She was having one hell of a time moving on and felt that it was completely her fault that they had to break up. She decided to reach out to her ex however, since it was not a bad break up and wanted to talk. Soon after their conversation ended she texted me to let me know that she was glad they talked and that it gave her closure.
When people say it like that “….it gave me closure.” it’s almost as if right after the talk some guy walks out with a box marked ‘closure’ and you merrily go on your way into joy and peacefulness as if the hurt never happened at all. Well to me that sounds like bullshit, sorry it just does…well I’m not really sorry but it sounded good to say (type).
Anyway, as I read the text from my friend I felt something inside reject the idea that their talk gave her closure. It bothered me that I was rejecting this idea mostly because it didn’t concern me at all. It didn’t take long to see that in fact it did. I was dealing with the feelings and sense of loss associated with a break up myself. I hadn’t really broken up with anyone but there was a person I was interested in and cared a great deal about. We loved one another but decided that we were not compatible, wanted, needed different things neither of us was able to give the other.
Would I be able to get any closure from her? Did I need to? Was it something that without it I would feel incomplete and or unable to date someone else and move on? So many questions and just one answer. The answer was NO! I did not need closure that was dependent on another person. My friend going through the break up realized that herself as well when we talked more about it. The closure any of us seek is dependent on our willingness to accept that, although we wanted it to be one way, it is in fact another way.
I don’t need to have a long or for that matter a short conversation with anyone about my feelings or theirs in an effort to obtain closure. We can have those talks but it isn’t the only way to feel closure. I first get to accept that I did my best or hell maybe I didn’t but whatever the case….it’s done. Whatever the case, what the other person did is done too. I get to accept feeling hurt, angry, lied to, happy, excited, relieved or any number of emotions coming up for me. In short, I get to process, embrace and release. Self-closure is the most rewarding of all. The other person or people involved may choose to join in and participate in that with me or I with them. But at the end of the day, it’s a personal choice no one can take away from me. I get to choose to feel and embrace the peace I need or not.
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